When my Uncle died, there was a continuous stream of thought running through my head. "How am I going to 'do this' without him?" I felt like I needed his advice, his approval, his guidance and direction, and his love, in order to simply survive, that I just didn't know how I was going to get through the rest of my life without him.
That was 17 months ago. I'm still here.
I miss my uncle very much. There are times I ache for him, times I want to call him and just chat, or email him with deep questions, or times I want to tell him some awesome thing and hear the love and pride and excitement in his voice. But I've managed to survive, and occasionally thrive, without him. It just happened in spite of how I thought it couldn't. Life is funny that way. It just keeps on even when you don't much feel like it should.
When Fairy and Baby first came to stay, my fervent thought was, "Don't take them from me... don't take them from me... don't take them from me." When we decided to keep them I was so relieved. I remember the night that David said, "How can we let them go?" and how I went shopping for clothes for them the very next day. I remember how I called them "MINE" in my head, in my heart. When we knew for certain that they'd be leaving, I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to let them go. How would I say good bye? How would I watch them walk away with their social worker? How would I sleep without knowing if they were ok?
I said goodbye with a happy lilting voice and a bouncy wave - even though I hurt inside. I watched their social worker drive away from my house with such an emptiness in my tummy. Last night I lay in bed and wondered if they were asleep yet, or if they were scared, or if they were holding tight to the Tigger and Pooh we bought them as going away gifts. If they even remembered us after being away for a week already. And in spite of it all, I was ok. I slept. I woke, I worked and I didn't even think about them for most of the day at all. It's funny how life works that way. It just keeps on going even when you don't much feel like it should.
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3 comments:
It's because you love them so much, you know you couldn't have loved them more. I cannot begin to understand how you do this, but I am sure they remember you - and at least Fairy always will! So glad you're able to sleep again too..
*hugs*
Hug.
And hugs and kisses from Fairy and Baby, too.
I wish I could give them back to you, and with a great mother's helper, too. I wish.
And I wish them the best in their new lives.
You are absolutely the sweetest person I have ever known. I really wish you lived closer!!
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