It was on my TT, this apology I have to make, and some of you wanted to know what it was so... here is my shame for all to see:
8 years ago there were 5 of us. Grown up women and our babies. It was a playgroup. For 2 and a half years we met every week. We did coffee, the farm, the playground, swimming lessons and pre-preschool and story time and even mommys nights out. We met as a group and also in just pairs sometimes for special trips. There were birthday parties and holiday parties. There was even a new mommy that joined us and we even celebrated new babies over that 2 and a half years. Towards the end of that time, I got a job and my kids went into part time daycare. I was closest to one of the moms, my still best friend K. There was another mom, T, that I really liked but I had a hard time making a good connection with. When I started working, so did K. T and the other mommies began to get together without K and I. The would sometimes call K to join them, but they never called me. I was hurt. I felt really angry about it. K and I talked about it once in a while but never in real detail.
Over the NEXT 2 years I still saw the other moms at Little League, the Y, gymnastics or Karate... and at my yearly holiday party. I always invited them all. Until the last one, Christmas 2003. I was planning outthe party and I sent out the invites but I did NOT invite those other 4 mom's.
T called K and asked her when my party was because she hadn't gotten an invite. To save K from getting stuck in the middle, I called T and told her that I didn't invite her because, honestly, she wasn't really a friend to me and I hadn't seen her in months or heard from her even and it seemed silly to invite her to a party that was for my 'friends'. Boy was she pissed. Until last summer, a year and a half after the un-invite, I never thought I had to apologise. I thought I had every right to invite who I wanted or not invite who I didn't want. I felt justified.
Then I met "friend". Remember "friend"? Oh boy!
What I realized though was that I had placed expectations on T that she couldn't fulfill. For whatever reason, she couldn't be for me what I thought she should be. She was the best kind of friend to me that she was able to be and I turned on her. I was "friend". Instead of just enjoying the parts of T that she was able to give and share with me, instead of giving all I had to her without any strings attached, I dumped her because she couldn't meet my too high expectations. I was very very wrong to treat her the way I did. It took me a very long time to realize it, and I want to tell her that I am sorry.
I don't expect her to be my friend now. I just want to know that I can see her at a little league game or the grocery store or the coffee shop and I could stop and say Hi, ask how she is, chat about the kids or the weather, and then wish each other a good day and say goodbye and feel happy that I'd run into her. I don't want to run into her, look the other way, pretend we don't see each other or smile a tense bitter grimace at each other and then walk away and feel terrible. I hope she will accept my apology and forgive me. I hope I can explain that I am sincere and I only want her to know that I KNOW that I was wrong.
I AM sorry. I DID learn a lesson... and it's one I will always remember.
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5 comments:
Hmm. I actually had a friend like T. I couldn't understand why she didn't want to spend more time with me, we were getting on famously! But we just fell apart, as it were, no hard words.
Now we meet, on occasion, and still have an excellent tone. I hardly have time anymore myself, but back then I felt hurt. Sulky, rather, like a kid..
Great that you're making up :) Have you told her in person, or given her the address to your blog..?
NO! What, am I insane???? No, I know I need to call her but I would NEVER give the blog site out! Ack! This is my "diary" why would I want anyone to read it? (giggle grin!)
ok, one thing, though. you DO have the right to invite whomever you wish and not invite who you don't!
blah. playgroups. i had a friend who constantly organized them, and i went just to spend time with her. i didn't like the other mommies much, and i eventually quit. my kids didn't care. i get along with women so much better if i don't have to sit in the same room with them and their children!
Wow that is rough. I think you're being a little hard on yourself though. She WASN'T really a friend to you, so if you didn't want to invite her to something you should feel obligated. Very big of you to see things from her point of view, though.
Wow, you are pretty insightful and forgiving. Not a lot of people would even consider apologizing to T, given the circumstances.
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