This is one example of how my brain works so wrong.
This whole 'thing' with my cousin and my aunt... my mind is just roiling with confusion. Is this thing my fault?
If I ask why I wasn't invited will they say why did you need to have an invitation - why didn't you just come? If I say I was trying not to be intrusive will they say then why are you upset that you weren't involved? If I say why didn't my kids get offered lunch when their 4 cousins were being offered lunch will they say you usually bring your own food for Buddy so we just figured you'd feed your kids separate anyway. All rational and reasonable, making me feel stupid and jealous and childishly whiny.
If I say, why weren't we invited, will they say we didn't want you there? If I say why weren't my kids offered lunch when their cousins were being offered lunch will they say why do you think your kids should have been offered lunch if you weren't invited over? You called and invited yourself over! Leaving me feeling horrible, unwanted, intrusive, and stuck in this place where I made my husband move us.
If they say that we are too private and they think we didn't want to be included will I have to explain how desperately I am trying to give them space for their own lives, their own grief? If they say, you never ask us to help you/babysit for you will I have to explain that I don't want to impose on them or be too needy, that we are so used to being independant and figuring things out for ourselves? Is being a part of a family supposed to be this hard? Am I supposed to double guess myself over every thing? I wonder if I'd still feel this confused if it weren't for that one incident with my cousin? Why can't I just let go of that? I think he has. Why can't I just say, oh - dinner tonight, what time and where? And assume I am invited until someone tells me differently. Maybe THEY are thinking I didn't want to be a part of dinner since I didn't ask/show up? Maybe my agony over this is ridiculous?
ARGH! I don't get it. I don't know what to do, what to think, who to talk to about it... and it is this exactly that makes me grieve so much. When we lived so far away and came home 2 or 3 times a year for a visit we couldn't wait until we could actually live here - until we could have barbeques on weekends while the guys watch football and the girls chit chat and the kids all play. We couldn't wait until we could do birthday partys with more than just the 5 of us. Couldn't stand it that Holiday meals were just us... and how we dreamed of being here in this place with our family 'surrounding' us. Now... now I'm even more sad.
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1 comment:
I feel so bad reading this, I can imagine how you guys feel.
What does your husband say?
I would just be honest.
I would tell the aunt that your feelings are hurt and you don't understand things that have happened.
Then I would tell them to invite you specifically if and when they want you there otherwise you have to pull back.
Then I would make new friends and see what happens with the relatives.
Grief does funny things to people.
My husband's granny changed when her husband died.
She was very rude to me on the phone one day and fussed at me for things that I had done 7 years earlier
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