Yeah, so, like, I'm full of shit.
No, I mean, not really... but I was just using the TT to really express my excitement and hope and I guess it was misleading.
We aren't moving.
But neither are we NOT not moving.
I was just... excited. In a big dumb puppy with big feet and no bladder control kind of way.
There was a movie with Dakota Fanning and she had this bodyguard (good heavans, I have NO memory I tell ya!) and in one scene he was making her practice swimming. She was having problems flinching and then delaying her jump when the starting gun went off. He made her practice over and over and over. Finally she got it... didn't move a muscle until the starter went and yet her body moved at the perfect moment the starter sounded...
I think, maybe God is making me do some practicing.
I wrote in another post once about how I too often rely on my self instead of God for big decisions in my life, and how I also only usually make decisions with my heart regardless of practicality and rationality. So it seems like I'm being presented with many opportunities to THINK first until I finally get it right. But I also have my doubts about Him right now too.
Damn it's hard work, all this practicing!
I get all kinds of advice from people who truly care and love us. And it's all advice that I want to hear so far, i.e. trust your instincts! trust your inner wisdom! Do what your heart tells you! (and yes, it's all said with the exclamation points,I'm not just adding them for aesthetics) my favorite one is "you already know what to do, you just need to listen to yourself!" (again with the exclamation points).
If I really listened to myself I would be slamming the xanax with a rum chaser and calling up my family and cursing them out. My fear and grief turns so easily toward anger. Anger is such an easier emotion to feel, to tolerate, to express. Fear and grief are too scary.
So, no, Kim, I'm not going to listen to myself. I have kids to take care of and the rum/xanax combo isn't very conducive to that and taking out my fear and grief on people doesn't really help either.
But with my uncle's passing last May, we've lost the one person who would and could advise us on what to do. He was just so... strong. He always knew the right thing to do. Everytime I think I'm positive of the right thing to do, I screw it up and I just don't trust my own judgement for anything these days. But he's not here and David and I are on our own for this. We both feel so lost, so... ship at sea in a storm... and man, I tell ya, we're getting pulled under and it's hard to breathe and feeling so hopeless.
How much unhappiness and despair do adults/parents have to endure at the expense of creating stability for their children? Odd question in the midst of this but see, that's part of our decision is how it will affect our kids. The move here was tough on the oldest and the youngest. Moving back will be less traumatic because it will be moving to familiar territory with established friends, but it's still an adjustment. An educational disruption... a change, a loss even of sorts. And how often can that happen before the kids are scarred and marked by it?
I'm sure I'll be posting like crazy now... this is my outlet, my sounding board, my sanity.
Will I drive YOU crazy too?
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6 comments:
That movie? "Man on Fire". It was good, too.
I hope your decision comes easily, and once it is made, you and David and your kids are comfortable with it.
In answer to your question: No.
I wish there were something I can do to help. It's good to have a sounding board, isn't it?
You are such a giving person; I can tell that you want what is best for your family. You've got lot's on your shoulders, but I have faith in you that you'll make the best decision in the interest of your family.
(((hugs))))
Good luck. Your life sounds very tough right now. Sounds like you have a great, supportive husband which I'm sure helps you deal with everything that's going on.
Your life does sound touch right now. My parents went through so much for me and now that I am finally old enough to appreciate it, I am forever grateful. Do what you think will make the most people happy. Your kids will adjust. If kids can make it through divorce and harder tormoil, a move won't kill them. Keep your head up and enjoy your husband's support. Thanks for visiting my page. I will be back.
Didn't make it by yesterday for the Thurs-13 so stopping in now.
Love the way you write, very fun.
Please, don't think you're driving us crazy!
I hadn't visited for a few days, so I just had to read up on your posting. I can't say I envy the decision you have to make. Neither have I got a lot of experience in moving house with a family - but you have my sympathy!
We considered a move when our quads were born. Our house was way too small, and a new house in the same area too expensive. We could buy a house somewhere else and go there.
We thought hard about it. It wasn't even 3000 miles away - just a few hours - and our oldest wasn't even in school yet, but I dreaded a move. Thought about how I'd have noone there when my hubby was at work and I was home alone with the quads. Our oldest had had a major change with the arrival of the quads, and we didn't think he should go through another one so soon!
So we stayed. And bought a way too expensive house the next year... Where we still live! And now I've got a job so we're ok. And I'm delirious we didn't move...
Your decision to move in the first place was just awesome! I don't think I could have managed. I'm impressed.
If you DO decide to go back, let noone say 'I told you so' - it'll be your decision, just like it was the first time you moved.
I'd talk to my kids about it, if I were you, and maybe not move until the summer or so. (Possibly the spring, the kids could spend just a few weeks in their new school, then have holidays, and then go back in the autumn feeling they actually know someone there...)
Best of luck!
Love, K
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