Take Control

We both just feel so lost. We are still whispering and talking in code, not having said anything to the kids. We call each other a zillion times a day to say, "How are you?" and our answers are always the same, "I...dunno..."

Tonight I said, "I wish none of this were happening."
David said, "I wish uncle Jim were here."

It makes my heart break for him to be as hurting as much as I am. I think in some ways it is harder for him because he takes so seriously his responsibiity to our family, that for us to be in this awkward lost place is almost just too much.

David said that in the next day or two we need to take charge. To make decisions, to have convictions. Then we can own the issue instead of being owned. We called our old realtor. We've looked online at houses. We need to look at finances and to decide what to do.

We will indeed have to deal with family who will do the "I told you so!"'s and the "Boy did you guys screw up!" and "You should just stay where you are now that you are there!" kind of attitude. We already heard a little of that from David's sister. Fortunately we don't place much value on her opinion anyway, but still it does sting the pride somewhat.

Oy... I tell ya. We feel like we have the flu: spinning heads, knotty tummy's, blurry vision, headaches... but it's all just stress.

There are definite drawbacks to returning. I don't want to dismiss those. We have made a few forward strides here. It's hard to know how to weigh it all out. I wish there was someone to tell us what to do. We are actually going to check in with a counselor through our employee assistance program. An outsiders opinion may help us to sort out which direction we should be headed... but it's not the same as, say, a trusted elder family member who gives wise counsel. I'm certainly not getting any signs from God one way or the other. Then again, I haven't gone to Him... not like I did before. I am afraid of Him now I think...

Sigh.

It's Friday... time for family movie and popcorn and JuniorMints. And rum and coke - thats only for me though. And the Junior Mints... those are all mine too. I don't share my Junior Mints!

I'm looking forward to the distraction of family movie night and snacks and sleeping in late Saturday morning. And time to talk with my husband and snuggle my kids and repair my heart.

Here's to Family Friday... "cheers"...