Rocks, Pebbles Sand

If you take a jar and fill it half way with sand, and from there, halfway with pebbles, and then from there fill it with rocks... you will have a jar with lots of stuff, empty spots, open spaces, and a jar that will make a lot of noise when it's shaken as well as a lot of leftover sand, pebbles, and rocks that won't fit in the jar and will need to be disposed of.


If you take that same jar and fill it halfway with rocks, then from there fill it halfway with pebbles, give it a shake or two and even it out, then fill it up with sand... you will have a beautifully full jar with no leftover bits and peices that need tossed out. Your jar will be solid, complete, and heavy but irresistable to picking up and looking at, turning it into and out of the light, gazing at the way everything fits together so perfectly. A full jar.

It's been a rough week here at Straddling The Line. I'm like that poster from the 80's of the frantic little kitten hanging by it's claws from a rope with the caption, "Hang In There!" or "The Only Way Is Up" or "You're At The End of Your Rope". I AM the quirky saying, "I've got one nerve left, and you're standing on it".

For a year I have followed a blog written by a woman and her family as it chronicles not just her experience with Luekemia but her relationship with God. I have never commented, never sent a card or letter, never left a trace of my lurking... but daily I think, when I click on her blog, "oh God, Please don't let her be dead..." On Saturday she left this world, left her baby and her husband and all her family and friends to go and live in eternal peace with our Father. Though I have no connection with this young woman or her family, I feel pain. I am sorry that she was so sick, so hurting, so full of anguish - yet so inspired by her strength, her faith, her love. I am so sorry for her baby, her husband, her mother... yet so lifted up by their strength, their faith, their love. That is all anyone could ever hope for: that in their dying, they leave behind a light that shines.

Do I shine? Do you?

I have In-Law issues. I have always had them and while there have been valleys and hills and plateaus, I fear I am in the depths of a valley now with no way out. My child has been hurt and if there is anything in this world that I will fight against with all my heart and soul - it is my child. I know, Darfur needs me. So does Iraq. So does our own Army/Navy/Air Force/Marines. I know my local food shelter needs me. I know my church needs me. But it is to my children that I am bound to by a force that has no match. And one of my children has been hurt by the very person that is supposed to cherish, love, coddle and spoil, and be a sanctuary for. This person has chosen ONE of my children to dislike. To ignore. To disregard. To deny. And baby? I am one Pissed Off Momma. So watch out woman.

The dog, the dog, the dog. He's still here. I've been Cesar Millan-ing him and while it's slightly better... I still need to find him a home. Desperately. I just can't 'do' the dog right now.

Ever heard of/done this? Man, it was better than any full body hour and a half massage that I've ever had. I'm salivating over my next opportunity.

The cats. The catttt. The one who has taken to pissing in the dogs food dish. The one whose piss is bloody. The one who cost me over $100 at the vet for an exam, a urine sample, and liquid amoxicillan for which I have to chase him down, attack and engulf him in a quilt and squirt pink liquid money down his throat twice a day. The cat. The damn cat.

Bear is in 4th grade and all her learning disabilities are cropping up in startling and obvious ways. It's heartbreaking, heartening, and heartfelt everyday as I kiss her freckled face goodbye in the morning and hello in the afternoon. She is not...happy.

Buddy started middle school and did, as I expected, an easy job transitioning. Not to say there haven't been a few bumps, but he's ridden over them and come out no worse for wear. To truly watch him develop in such a normal average every-day kind of way is so... affirming. So... rewarding. So...full of gratefullness and contentment.

Chick is a senior this year. A senior missing a few credits from our home-schooling stint, a senior battling a learning disability and taking on a double course load, a senior who is stressed and tearful at the end of each school day... a senior who is having to learn, trial by fire, how to stand up and represent herself as an individual with rights... a senior who is lonely and awkward and left out. A girl, a baby-woman, an almost-adult with dreams and a future and who will soon leave me... leave me... leave me. A beautiful spirit just waiting to flee... and tho' I know her urge to flee is normal, it hurts. O how it hurts.

I am over medicated and under healed. I can't sleep, I eat too much. I sleep when I drive and lie awake all night. I am agoraphobic and antisocial and the biggest fake of them all. And this? This is my life straddling the line.

How are you doing?