I look down on her sleeping face and see that her eyes are still rather puffy and red-rimmed. Her cheeks a little pale under the freckles. Her eyebrows look tense. I think about the damage done to her heart today and again I am filled with the rage of mothers everywhere who deal with the aftermath of their children being hurt.
I know, I know, it could have been worse - so very very very much worse. But what happened today was a small taste of what is to come in the future.
I came home from work at 7:30 and my husband pulled me aside right away. He told me that Bear arrived home in tears - had jumped out of her carpool car crying and very very upset. The driving parent tried to explain that her sons had been teasing Bear and that although she'd had them apologise, "... it seemed Bear was a little sensitive..." *insert smiling shrugging whiny attitude here. David brought Bear inside and tried to figure out what happened.
My Bear struggles with many things and one of the most difficult aspects of her challenges is that she cannot accurately retell an event, cannot explain an emotion, cannot describe a situation. Her language skills are limited, but her heart is not. The other part of what makes my baby different is her limited ability to make sense of things that don't really impact her day to day life. For example, she is 9 but bungles her address and phone number, especially if she is confused or put on the spot. Tonight, all of those things came together in one messy event.
As best as we can figure out, Bear was asked what her address was since the driving mom had forgotten. Bear couldn't remember (likely she replied with her city and state) and so then she was asked what her phone number was and she drew a blank on that as well. The teasing began. Two little boys ganged up and mercilessly teased Bear about this. They went on to tease about everything: even her daddy's name (since when is "David" worth teasing over?) as well as some other things. I don't know at what point she began to cry, but only that in a ride that took less than 10 minutes, these two boys broke her down.
I can blame the boys a little - but I blame their mother more. How could she have sat there and let them tease Bear to the point of tears? The fact that this mother allowed this to happen only goes to prove why the boys did it: they'd obviously not been taught NOT to tease, and this 'mother' didn't think teasing of that sort (stupid! you don't know your phone number? are you a baby?) was worth stopping. She's an idiot. An ignorant, incompetent idiot. If I could? I'd slap her face. And when I tell her that I'll no longer need her to drive my Bear home? Maybe it'll feel a little like a slap. If I say it just right, maybe she'll get the point. If she doesn't get it? I should feel pity for her own children.
I'm not sure I'll ever know exactly what happened, and, as my husband reminds me, because of that I may never know if Bear really was over-reacting or not but when I tucked Bear in tonight and was talking with her about it, she said to me, "I was a little scared too mom..." and it didn't matter then if I knew the entire story or not.
This won't be the first time my Bear faces cruelty and teasing. But it will be the last time that it's MY fault. I allowed her to be carpooled by someone I didn't know well, by a parent I wasn't friends with and who doesn't know my baby or my family. What happened to Bear is my fault and I accept that responsibility. But seriously, you better watch out because now this is one momma bear whose claws are sharp and ready for the next time.
6 comments:
Heartbroken.
Whatever the words you say to this woman, say them with ice in your voice. She absolutely deserves it.
I sat here reading your post and I was both upset and angry as well. I would slap that mom, too! Poor bear. I hope you called her and told her just what you thought.
In the meantime, maybe you can put your address and phone number on a 3x5 card or something like that for bear to keep in her backpack? I did that for my 9 yr. old, too. I told him I had it there in case someone stole his backpack.
Give Bear big hug and kisses for me!
People can be so ignorant and blind. I'm so sorry your child faced this today. People say I'm hard on my own and this is why, so they know by the tiem they are ten to NOT do this sort of thing. Geez. parents need to be parents.
Oh that's so sad. Poor Bear. Taking her out of the carpool will make her feel safe again.
You know, people ask about car pools a lot and I always say my girls aren't ready, but I don't know if I will ever do them.
I can't believe that mother didn't stop at your house and have a long chat with David and Bear about it. Crazy.
Since it's hard to tell if each child said something once, or twice, or just laughed at her, I think we don't know if it is Mom's fault. But if you know she has a problem with address recall, and this could come up in a new situation, is there something you can do to help her memorize or alert the driver ahead of time?
About 2 years ago I was in a group of adult women. One of the youngest (about 33) said something self-deprecating, and we all laughed, and then continued to joke about her comment. We all thought she was kidding and what she said was hilarious because it was so untrue. Obviously we were wrong. She was so upset with us, she never came back to the group, despite apologies and invitations.
So, should our mothers be blamed for not teaching us better manners? Could 10 women of different personalities, ages, professions and education all miss the point? Or was she overly sensitive?
My boys often tease Anna, their sister, like that. (They tease eachother too, but they're not disturbed, apparently...) She'll break down and cry, on occasion, but finds no solace in me. I tend to agree with whatever they've been saying. (It's usually about how she won't share her toys with anyone, and she really is the worst socialist at that...) At least she's on familiar turf, but I don't know if I'm making her feel safe here.
Hmm. Gotta give that another think...
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