Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See?

This Post by my friend Scholiast brought me back instantly to a feeling of grief and guilt - as strong a feeling as the day it happened.

My Buddy used to have a cuddly companion of his own. A little brown bear that his sister bought for him the Christmas he was 2 and a half. "Brown-Bear" was his name. He was smallish with long gangly arms and legs and a rather pointed snout. His fur was sort of matted and curly all at the same time, a dark chocolatey brown. Buddy carried Brown-Bear all over. Tucked securely under his arm, nearest to his heart, Brown-Bear travelled everywhere that Buddy went. At night Brown-Bear would be snuggly under the covers with his little brown head on the pillow right next to my own brown-headed boy. When we went away for longer trips, Brown-Bear often travelled in Buddy's back pack, his little brown cheerful face peeking out of the unzippered side. Where there was a brown haired brown eyed boy, there was Brown-Bear.

In the summer of 2001 when Buddy was 6, we flew from our home here in MA to a wonderful vacation on the Oregon Coast. The kids played in the sand and the water, raced waves on little boogie boards, toured sea lion caves, and generally ran amuck with their cousins. Buddy didn't carry Brown-Bear around so much in the daytime, but every night he would wrap himself around his little brown companion and sleep the sleep of a truly tired little boy. When we left, we had a nearly 10 hour delay of flight so we made a detour to the Portland, OR zoo. It was a great trip! We had such a great time there that it almost made up for the incredible delay and the fact that we now had to travel at night with 3 tired kids.

At the Portland airport, we unloaded our rental van of 2 weeks worth of equipment for 5 people. We stuffed and smashed and squeezed until all possible belongings were tucked into suitcases or backpacks and then we made our way over to check in. I remember vividly the moment that I called out to Buddy, "Hold on bud, Brown-Bear is falling!" and I stopped him to readjust Brown Bear more securely in his pack. And that was the last time we saw Brown Bear. We realized he was missing as we collapsed at our departure gate. I was laying the kids down on benches to rest and we discovered the loss. It was midnight and the airport was not crowded. My husband and I both, separately, searched and backtracked to look for Brown Bear. Buddy waited, pale with shimmery tear filled eyes while we asked at every checkpoint, while we went back to the electronic luggage scanners, back to the car rental place, back to the check in counter... with no luck. We made multiple trips seeking out our little Brown companion while Buddy sat, stoic and composed. When we finally flew out of that airport, I cried.

Brown Bear was a huge part of who my Buddy was. I couldn't believe we'd lost him. We still talk about him, 4 years later. And I still cringe a little inside at how I could have let him just vanish like that. Buddy got over the loss a lot quicker than I did. Ah, youth.