it is 10:30 pm. Everyone else is abed, even the dog. Children are drooling on flannel pillowcases, husband is restlessly tossing, alone, in our bed, and Charlie dog is softly keening in his crate. I, however, am awake.
I am sleepy, but this? This blogging and emailing and google searching? This is my reprieve. It's different to do it at night. During the day it seems exciting and interesting, my attention is torn between the internet and my home and family and the tension of that dichotomy is a fuel for me. But now, when it is silent and dark and the only light is from the monitor... now I relax. I breathe a little deeper and more freely. I slouch a little more. I type a little slower. It's not that I am glad to be alone, although that is part of it, but it's more that there is such a feeling of intense satisfaction, an orgasm almost, of knowing that my family is safe... warm, protected, content, together. It's that feeling of having checked each child for breath, warmth, and comfort; having kissed my sleeping husbands' temple and having secured all door locks with the help of Charlie dog... having everyone and everything I love most be under my eye, under my guard, under my prayer... it's that that brings me reprieve.
Reprieve from worry, angst, and constant never ending guard. Reprieve from wondering if Buddy is acting up in class, if Bear is getting left out again at recess, if Chick is, as we speak, being hit by a car while crossing the street on her walk home from school. Reprieve from the angst of knowing how my husband is fretting over our finances while double juggling too many tasks at work, reprieve from worrying over the money spent on Christmas gifts, the cost of oil, the cost of gas, and what, oh Lord again, WHAT to cook for dinner when in fact I won't be cooking at all since I have to go to work. Reprieve from feeling like whatever I did, I did it wrong. This time, this time is mine to finally let go.
Me, the computer, the sound of the windchimes dancing in the late night breeze, a glass of Merlot at hand... and all the people I love best are safe and sound with full bellies, warm and clean bodies, and really no worries at all... cuz me? I worry enough for all of them. But this is my reprieve.
4 comments:
I love to "hack" at night...
LBC
Were we seperated at birth?? I tell you, we parallel in too many ways! Everything you said is me, too. Wow. Can you move back to the westcoast please?? lol
yes.
You are something special... I too love staying up late (or early, as it often becomes..) blogging etc. - but my only concerns about my family at the time is that they don't wake up to see me still awake at that hour, and hopefully won't ask the next day at what time I went to bed.
But then, I don't worry much during daytime either. I think I haven't got the stress-and-worry gene..
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