Do you think you are the only one?

Without context, what was your first thought in reading the title of this post?

You are not the only one who feels like the only one.

I always think I am the only one. And it always surprises me when I realize I am not. It happened earlier this summer during a small group at my house. We were sitting around the dinner table, about 8 of us, and answering some rather thought provoking questions. What happened was that one woman shared something with the group that totally blew my socks off. When it was my turn and I shared that we had the same thing in common, she smiled and nodded at me. I was relieved, unburdened, and blessed all in one small smile.

Recently we were having small group again, with more thought provoking questions, and the question of the moment was how had being in a group changed your perceptions of the people you hadn't known before. That same lovely lady brought up that incident and said how it had rocked her so much to see that deeply into my life and had changed everything, in a heartbeat, about how she thought of me. This was a precious moment, as it had allowed her to love me in a way she felt she hadn't been able to before.

Wake Up! You are not the only one...

I have a tremendously personal struggle that I fall in and out of on a regular basis. It's been this way as long as I can remember, but on a deeply frightening level for the past 5 years. Everytime I think I am going to break down and finally ask for help, I can't get past the feeling that I will be so shunned and rejected that it just isn't worth it. Then after a time I move through that into a little lighter place for awhile until it begins again.

Night will soon be lifted friend, just be quiet and wait for a voice that will say "Rise!"

Today in church the topic was Awaken. To wake up from our complacency, from our selfishness, from our daily drudgery and to arise and to shine. A beautiful song called Come Awake by David Crowder was a part of our service. The lyrics are as follows:

Are we left here on our own?/Can you feel when your last breath is gone?/Night is weighing heavy now/Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say

Come awake, from sleep arise/You were dead, become alive/Wake up, wake up, open your eyes/Climb from your grave into the light/Bring us back to life

You are not the only one /who feels like the only one/Night soon will be lifted, friend/Just be quiet and wait for a voice that will say/Rise, rise, to life, to life/

Shine/Light will shine/Love will rise/Light will shine, shine, shine/He's shining on us now

It was so haunting and powerful. The words just stuck in my heart. What if I'm NOT the only one? What if, in that crowded sanctuary this morning, amongst the college students, the young married couples, the single people my age, the older grayed couples I long to be like, what if among all of them there were people JUST. LIKE. ME ?

In our small group, someone brought up how the times that they are farthest from God are the times when things are good, smooth, easy. That it's not until some tragedy strikes that they find themselves calling out His name. I understand that - and it's totally human nature. But for me? It's a little the opposite and this is where much of my internal struggle lies.

When things are good and easy? I can thank God for His blessings. I am always slightly ashamed and guilty for all the goodness so I often thank Him. But when things are bad and tough and scary and dark, when the checking account is empty and my job interview went horrible and when we are angry and shallow - I tend to turn every other way except to God. What typically happens is some resolution occurs and I find myself thanking Him for His intervention, but in the moment of darkness I turn elsewhere. Every. Time. Thats only part of it.

When will I stop being the prodigal child? The one who returns and is rejoiced over. Yes, God wants that one missing sheep above all else, but how many times will He find my homecoming to be exciting? At this point, surely He's thinking, "Dude, enough with the party food, she knows where the fridge is - let her get her own happy meal" or even, "Oh! Well, look who's back! Hey by the way, the cows haven't been mucked since you left, you remember where the pitchfork is right?" I'm so sick of myself. I'm so tired of the on-fire way I get all hyped up about a new bible study, a new book, a new journal, a new CD, a new message at church, only to fall by the wayside in a month. Well, let's be honest here, a few days. I mean, seriously, I do it this way Every. Time. Thats only the second part of my struggle (uh, not so personal anymore I guess...)

I'm afraid God gave up on me.

And that's where the crux of my problem lies.

Nehemiah 1:9
(Nehemiah is weeping and praying to God about Jerusalem and he is reminding God of something God promised)
" ...but if you return to me and obey my commands, then even if your exhiled people are at the farthest horizon, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for my Name."

And so I felt a little peace this morning. Maybe God hasn't given up on me. Maybe no matter far I drift, no matter how frequently, no matter that I KNOW BETTER - He will still gather me from the farthest places and bring me back. Ya think?

Maybe as long as I don't give up...

I need to remind myself that I am not the only one who feels like the only one.
And that I need to Wake Up!