Calling Mom

a brief update:

*2 women, 6 kids (one with autism and 2 in diapers) and a camper trailer at the beach... note to self: next year? Say No.

*DSS... note to self: Never Trust A Word They Say. Get It In Writing. Always Call The Highest Power. Your Approximate Wait Time Will Be: 'til hell freezes over.


Yesterday Fairy and Baby were supposed to see their mom for a visit. I'm so glad that I never told them they would be seeing her because of course the visit never happened. The girls have not seen their mom in at least 3 weeks. That's how long they've been here with me. I did manage to get her phone number though and have had the girls call a few times. Of course, Baby just wants to lick the phone and push buttons, but Fairy enjoys the mommy-phone time. It's just been this last week that she hasn't mentioned her mommy every other hour. Except to say to me as she was in the tub last night, "I want to go home now". My heart broke even more than I every thought possible. After the tubby, we sat down to call her mom.

There she sat on her bed, in her clean jammies with still wet hair, smelling all baby-clean and totally edible. Her crazy blue eyes were extra round with excitement and she bounced a little in anticipation. We dialed and she talked to her nanna and poppa for a few minutes until mommy came to the phone. When mommy said "Faaaiirrrryyyyyy! Hi Sweetie!" Fairy launched herself into my arms. There she stayed, phone to her ear and chit-chatting with her mommy, but nestled in my arms and stroking my hair with her free hand. As she told mommy about the beach and the camper and her new friends she kept looking into my eyes, she patted my face, she smiled at me. She layed her head on my shoulder.

She misses her mommy. She misses her life. The only life she'd ever known, but now she is getting used to this life. She is getting used to me. She's a hesitant, untrusting little soul. A spirit used to infrequent meals, no routine, a mommy who can't get out of bed somedays. Her life was unpredictable but it was all she'd ever known and it was how she knew how to live. Now she knows it is safe to go to sleep here and wake up here. She knows that after we wake up we snuggle in my bed for a few minutes and then we get up and go potty before breakfast. She knows that right after lunch Baby naps and that right after dinner we have bathtime. She knows how to feed the dog and how to ask nicely for juice. She knows how to give and receive safe hugs and snuggles. She knows how to laugh. She misses her mommy, but she knows safety and security here. The scariness has worn off and been transferred. Now she is a little afraid of the unknown of her mommy. So am I.

DSS may yet take these girls from me. It's a long story, one with stupid rules and unbreakable regulations. I hate them. I hate the way they can be so inflexible with some things that don't matter, but are willing to separate two little girls from each other, which matters more than anything else in the world. I'm trying to remember that God has these babies in His care. I can only do what I can do and He will do the rest. I try to remember that He has their lives planned out for them and I am only a small part of that. There is no comfort in that.

For now, they are here. Mommy is a phone call away. And we just keep moving on to the next day.