I was 10 years old. The kind of 10 that is still a little girl with eyes too big for my face. Ten with a mom who worked a lot, a stepfather who didn't like me, and yet another new house/school/town. Ten with 2 big brothers who didn't live at home anymore and a real daddy who was too busy with drinking. Ten and shy, scared, and lonely.
It was another fight between my mom and my stepfather. They had been married for 3 years and already separated once. These fights were often about me but I don't remember what this one was about. I just remember that my stepdad was so tall and my mom so little and that I tried to stand between them and yell at my stepfather to leave my mom alone. Next I remember being on my little mommy's lap in her bedroom and sobbing. All I could say to her was, "I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home..." over and over, repeating that senseless phrase as she rocked me. I was home. This was as home as home was ever going to be. There in that stinky small, green duplex on a busy road with a miserable mom and a miser of a stepfather. I wanted somewher else, anywhere else, to be "home".
Wednesday afternoon my Chick called me from her fathers house 3000 miles away. "Mom?" she said in a small voice, "I want to come home... now."
She'd been unhappy ever since she arrived there last Friday. Her father was too busy for her, was grumpy, was not available. Then she went to visit friends in another town and one thing led to another and ended with her father cursing out the parent of one of Chick's friends (ooh! remember 'friend'?) and then letting Chick bear the brunt of his leftover anger via telephone. You want to know what her "father" said to her? Really? Her "father" said to her: you want to go home? fine, go. I don't want you here and if you do go home, don't bother ever coming back. I'll put your clothes on the porch cuz you aren't coming into my house ever again. He actually told ME that he said that to her... and he was proud of himself.
My Chick wants to come home. And she will... she's with her grandparents now who picked her up and will take her to the airport. My little girl will come home to her brother and sister, to her other dad - the one who reads to her and plays scrabble with her and shares her interests in music and who takes her for driving lessons and picks her up from classes and who wraps his big arms around her little body and protects her whenever he can. My little girl will come home to her mom and to this safe house where she belongs and where she is wanted and needed and loved. When she finally leaves this house for college or work or travel, she will carry a key to the door and will always, always, ALWAYS be welcome back. This is her home.
8 comments:
Give her a humongo welcome home hug for me.
You know what Buddy's tears probably were? Instinct. He knew. You knew. It wasn't right.
And here's a hug for your 10 year old self.
xo
I had a feeling that she would be home sooner than planned.
I remember when I was 10-ish, going to spend 6 weeks with my Dad and StepMonster. I think I was there 3 days.
She was awful to me.
Thank God for your husband and the life you have now.
Hopefully this experience will open her eyes and make her appreciate her mom and DAD.
That man isn't a Dad...your current husband is Dad.
Hugs to you, my friend, and to your sweet Chick when she gets home. Home where she is loved and safe and comfortable. Home where her siblings can't wait to get her back. :-)
She doesn't ever have to go back to visit him, does she? I wouldn't let him see her. I wouldn't let him have any contact with her whatsoever. He's a dolt!
LBC
Isn't it great, the opportunity we have as parents to provide our own children the love and security that we didn't get when we were small and vulnerable?
I know your story like I was reading my own journal.
You had me in tears with this post. How wonderful it is that she has a loving, caring family and HOME to come back home to.
Reading your entry made me feel all those horrible feelings I got in my stomach when I was a kid and my parents did the same thing. I know that feeling all to well. Gosh darn it, I want to go to the airport with you and pick her up! That man was only the 'sperm donor'. Your current husband is and always will be here father.
Remembering your past posts about how you've been feeling lately, your anxiety, etc., I wonder if her pending trip to 'sperm donor's' house had anything to do with that. I think once she's back and safe with you and the kids, I think you'll see everything start to settle down. I believe 100% in intuition and I think you all were feeling a bit of it. Follow it. Always. And give that girl a big hug for all of us!
I'm so sad for her and her father's words. But I'm happy she has a dad who hugs her and protects her.
I wasn't going to, but I cried anyway... Glad she's back! And hopefully she won't be thinking about her "father" too much. Hopefully she won't think that actually had anything to do with her! Luckily, she's got a HOME where she belongs.
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