In the name of parenting, how far do you go to train a child? How much "natural consequence" is acceptable?
Do you let your child wear dirty clothes to school because they didn't bring them to the washing machine to be clean? Or, alternately, because they didn't wash them by themselves (if they know how)?
Do you let your child go hungry because they didn't come to the breakfast table on time?
Do you send your child out in public with unbrushed teeth or hair because they were fooling around and didn't get it done before it was time to leave?
Do you send a child to bed hungry because they didn't want to eat what you served for dinner?
Do you allow your child to be a joke - to arrive unprepared for a play/game/school event because they didn't tell you in time/get their stuff together?
Do you allow your child to shower in a moldy tub or wash their face in a filthy sink because they didn't do their assigned chore?
Do you allow a child to dry off with a damp and smelly towel because they left it in a heap on the floor instead of hanging it on the hook you provided for them?
Where is the line between teaching responsibility and simply doing your job as a parent? I think my job is MORE than just providing basics and keeping my child safe... but how do kids learn to do for themselves when they never face the consequences? But how do I keep the teachers or neighbors from thinking I'm some alcoholic waste of time if I send my kids out in public with messy hair and dirty teeth and fingernails?
My son again. My son. My son who throws clean clothes in the dirty laundry rather than put them in his drawers, who leaves his towel on the floor, who fights me tooth and nail over every single chore or task. My son. My big brown eyed boy that I made cry tonight when I should have been hugging him goodnight, because of the damn laundry. I want him to grow up to be a good man, a good boyfriend, a good husband. To show respect for others... for me... sigh. What consequence is for lack of respect?
What are your parenting peeves and what are your success stories?
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4 comments:
man. mine's not old enough for these kinds of concerns, but it does have me thinking.
i think you have to choose your battles. when to enforce things and when to not. timing is key, too, i think.
The parenting class I used to teach encouraged natural consequences. And most of these things don't seem like they're that terrible. Kids will eat if hungry. Very rarely will the skipping of 1 meal kill them. With the laundry it was more like oh sorry you can't wear your favorite shirt becuase it is dirty and I won't let you outside the house in it dirty. Of course what the heck do I know... I got no kids. :) And my nephew who I helped raise is 19 now and very sweet, but very lazy. (I think he got that from his regular mom)
What you do is give them an idea of what the consequences could and let nature take it's course.
They may not listen to you nag, but they sure as hell will pay attention when a peer or person outside of the family unit tells them that they stink. That is when you need to be around; when they come home in tears and seek your comfort and in their odd way to hear your words of 'See, I told you that would happen, didn't I?'.
Have I allowed my children (now 19 and 20) to do what you listed? Sure and all it took was one time and then they got what I was trying to say. They call me now to ask my opinion and do have respect for what I have to say.
Hmm. I'd let them go to bed hungry, I've done that, and let them go to bed unwashed (but not filthy..). A friend took her daughter to kinder garten, still in her jammies (in winter time) because she wouldn't get dressed. She got dressed after that.. I haven't tried that one myself. Yet.
My oldest, though, he's never embarrassed whatever he does, and doesn't care if I'm embarrassed, so there really isn't any point in making him do this, that or the other with dirty clothes / wrong equipment etc.
The hardest part, I find, is to stop telling them off when they have, in fact, stopped.. (Like "Throw that chewing gum away." STOP. And not "Throw that chewing gum away and don't put it underneath the table as you usually do!"...)
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