I live by my heart. I make decisions about things based on how I feel. I am impetuous. I am impulsive. I rarely ever slow down to think a decision through, rarely ask my husband his opinion (or even tell him what I want his opinion to be!) and rarely even think about the effects or changes to others of a decision I make.
When I begged my husband for us to move here, I did think about it. All along I knew "for certain" that I wanted this move, but I did think about it. I mean really, how could you NOT think about a cross country move with uprooting children, pets, and undoing jobs and family relationships?
I prayed. I fasted. I was serious - on my knees and hungry, seeking the right answer to this huge, huge, thing. I totally believe that God has His mighty hand on our lives and will direct us and guide us and place things/people/events into our lives to bring us closer to Him. So when I sought His will, I did it sincerely. I asked that if He chose this move to be wrong, He would give me peace and strength to obey. I asked that if He chose this move to be the right thing, that He make it clear. I am pretty blind to 'signs' and 'signals' and have never really honestly sought the will of God in my life before this so I knew that I needed it to be as clear as possible or I'd miss it.
When we tentatively searched the rental/purchasing market in our town-of-choice, we found a lovely and huge house in a gorgeous country like setting. Seemed perfect. Sign number 1. When I researched jobs for myself, I made contact with someone who offered great hope and if not a promise, then the idea of one. Sign number 2. When we tentatively sought selling our house, we got an offer before we'd even actually signed the intent to sell papers. Sign number 3. So I felt like God was clearly telling us it was OK to move. Our friends rallied round us with words of encouragement and support - they all thought we were doing a brave and loving thing. Well, I guess if they were our friends they couldn't really say, "Duh! Thats stupid! You should stay here, it would be so wrong to move!" But still... it all seemed like it was working out so smoothly and so I just thought... I thought that God had His hand on it.
I think now, God was sleeping and His hand just sort of fell on us by accident and He didn't mean for it to happen.
So now... now that I hate this place, now that I am no closer (emotionally) to my family here in spite of a years worth of living here, now that I have spent a year with no friends, and now that I am still under siege with the constant crying and hopeless moaning and wailing... am I to assume that either A) I read God wrong or B) God was wrong or C) Like Moses leading the people out of Egypt - I just have to persevere cuz God surely knows the plan even though I don't understand?
I can't believe that B) God was wrong because everything I know about Him supports that it would be absolutely impossible for that to happen. I believe He can change his mind... but not be wrong. So it leaves A or C. A seems likely, but then again, the signs seemed so clear to me. C seems unacceptable. Sigh.
My husband actually said that if in one more year I was still feeling like this, then we could talk about moving back. Can you believe what a compassionate guy he is? He said he'd move anywhere as long as we were together. But you know, after another year, how can I do that to my kids again? Chick would be at the end of her junior year and heading into her senior year. She'd leave behind some really neat friends and hook back up with some undesirables... Buddy would be ready for Jr. High and thats not ideal either. Bear would... I dunno. I had planned on letting my teaching cert. lapse since I'm not using it in my current profession, but maybe now I need to renew it just in case? Hubby's old job is still available (sort of) and probably won't be in another year. I dunno... I tell you... I dunno. I think I have to live with answer #C and it just makes me weep all the more. Maybe looking at all the reasons I have NOT to move back will be enough to make me desire staying?
I feel like my husband saying we could move anywhere because as long as we're together we are home is the exact way I should feel. And that by crying and being so miserable, I am being disrespectful to his heart. I should be grateful that he packed us up and moved us so willingly and quickly and I should settle in and be thankful. How does one deny ones self? I am selfish, yes. I am.
How do you make big decisions? Which ones have you felt regret over? Which ones worked out but took awhile? I'd really, really, really like to hear my blog friends answers...
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4 comments:
Hi ... I "hopped" over from Dishpan Dribble. We're in the process of moving 1200 miles from our current home ... so your entry caught my eye. When my hubby and I had been married only two years, we moved from the West Coast to Michigan (sunshine all year to four seasons). My biggest problem was being homesick and not being prepared for the winters. We eventially moved back "home" near our family. I'm a bit like you in that I look for God to open or close doors ... and sometimes I let my "feelings" for things get in the way. A good thing to do would be to get out a piece of paper and make two columns. List all positive and negatives about the proposed move ... and be honest. Seeing the list ... not just internalizing it in your head can help.
I tend to be quiet, reserved and not too outgoing. Hubby is just the opposite .. so we balance each other out. His friends become my friends. Most women that become my "friends" are very needy and wear me out asking me to help solve their problems ... so I actually enjoy being a homebody.
Our move is to "semi" retire ... but we are moving from "sunshine to four seasons" again. This time I've done a lot of research and hope it pays off. I made sure our lot (2 acres) is in a neighborhood with county maintained roads, electricity, water, and natural gas utilities already in the ground; and a nearby road that is a school bus route knowing that it would get plowed first thing in the morning. We are just a few miles from an interstate, so going to "the city" in the winter won't be impossible. This time I have no reservations about moving. Besides, my family has all moved away from me and my older kids want to transplant to the new area. Plus, a bonus is having about five couples from hubby's job that have retired nearby. Instant friends.
Hope you find the perfect peace of God in your decision.
I believe you really got those signs to move. I know its hard being away from friends and feeling like you made a mistake but try hard to hang in there. Your children and husband seemed to have settled and made friends. Have faith that God wanted you there for a reason and look to the future with hope and peace in your heart. Your husband said it well... as long as you were together. You are with the family that matters... your husband and children so make the best of what you have and wait for what God has planned.
You have to just have Faith that God knew what he was doing when he gave you your answer.
Maybe there is more to come that you don't know about.
When I got married the first time I fasted and prayed about it and did all the "right" things to lead me to believe that getting married to him was the right thing. After a year, we were divorced. I was so confused that God wasn't helping me.
But now I believe that my marriage and divorve made me who I am. And I wouldn't have been prepared (emotionally) to met The King.
There is no way for us to know what God's plan is. We just need to have Faith and endure til the end.
Good luck!
ditto
I felt the same way.
We moved to a small town for a job and knew no one.
i threw myself into the church and made some wonderful friends.
3 years later when we moved BACK here, I missed the other place terribly!
if where you are now is a better place for the kids....stick it out.
Join a church...make friends.
If that one isn't right, try another.
You have to put yourself out there to get to know people.
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