Who am I? Who do I want to be? Can I be two somebodies?
I just dropped my 16 year old Chick off at a weird hippie commune "free-school" un-school place. I am both wildly jealous of it and yet terrified that the pink mohawked peirced people will corrupt her. Sigh.
I used to be cool. I used to think it was important to love people, ALL people, to respect them and be tender towards them. To find value in all the different kinds of people that it takes to make our world work. I used to feel that cloth diapers and organic foods and non-chemical cleaning agents were crucial. I thought that vegan was responsible. I thought that cotton clothing and handmedowns were part of being a kind person, a whole person. Somewhere along the line it became MORE important to swiffer my floor ever. single. day. and to use top sheets and to drive a mini van. Where and when that happened I don't know but suddenly all my dreams of having cool kids and me being a cool parent and my husband and I teaching tolerance and love and peace turned into endless arguments about what is appropriate for our teenager to watch/read and what was on sale at the grocery store and do we buy the red cedar mulch to match the brick of our house or the lighter color to to match what we had last year and oh my gosh Bear looks so cute in the little top from Old Navy and doesn't Buddy look baaaad in those shorts from Bob's and isn't that skirt from HotTopic just the thing for Chick?
Now I am a slightly chunky capri wearing mini van driving soccer mom who worries about learning disabilities and teenagers and how to tell if your 10 year old son needs a new 'cup' instead of worrying about world peace and the ozone layer. The real question isn't "Who Am I" but... "who do I want my daughter to be... and does it really matter what I want?"
I think the answer is "I want her to be happy" (mixed in with "please don't be weird or gay") and "No, it doesn't matter what I want" (mixed in with "but I gave you everythiiiiing!")
It's not so much a question as a realization. A reckoning. I was given a child to keep safe. I did that. I was given a child to raise with a thinking mind, a loving heart, and an independant spirit. I did that. The result might be different than what I had planned, but the essential elements are there and I should let go, sit back, and see what happens. Maybe someday she'll be a capri wearing mini van driving soccer mom saying, "What happened to me?"
4 comments:
You are such a thoughtful writer. I enjoy your posts a lot.
I'm just holding my breath hoping it won't be too bad..
Interesting perspective. I don't have kids and wonder how I would be at this age (45) if I did have them. I'm pretty sure my wants/needs/desires would have been subsumed by theirs - I mean, isn't that what being a parent is about? (Well, some of what being a parent is about, I s'pose)
We are always evolving - who knows? When your kids are grown, maybe you will go back to who you really are, underneath the capris and the minivan.
:) I'd be okay with a gay kid, though. Even a weird, gay kid. :)
I know the feeling.
My aunt is having her 60th birthday party on Friday.
20 years ago, she was just 3 years older than I!
I don't FEEL almost 40!
My daughter is the same age as I was when I was pregnant with her! (please please please don't let her get pregnant!)
lol
Time marches on.
Your daughter will be fine.
It is all the style these days to be "punky"
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