Enough Already!

In my last post Mary commented and simply asked, "how are you feeling?"

I feel this.

It is sooooooo stupid to have it and it just makes me angry. But in reading the article I saw that GAD is sometimes discredited because it is potentially just another way for pharmacuetical companies to make more money. So, well, that made me a little mad too... then it made me worry about what other people would think of me if I confessed to thinking I have GAD. Right. That's par for the course!

So, Mary, you want to know how I am feeling? It's like this...

I wake up to my husbands alarm clock and I feel all sleepy and warm and safe and I stretch under the covers and burrow my head deeper into my down pillow and I feel that everything is ok and I start to think about what the kids and I have planned for the day.

The butterflies creep into my belly where they flutter and squirm. I actually feel a flood of saliva hit my mouth, all sour and nasty and a little like I want to throw up and at the same time my stomach feels like a small knotted ball of fuzz from the bottom of the washing machine - like a ribbon that got knotted up on accident. And those butterflies get all frenzied.

I breath slow and deep and think about the steamy warm rich coffee waiting for me, I think about the fact that if I want to I can stay in bed for another hour or two! NO Pressure... no reason to hurry, nothing to stress about... and I keep breathing deep and try to unclench my hands which are suddenly little steel fists wrapped in my covers. I breath and think to myself, "easy D, easy... eaaaaasy..." like you would to a scared animal.

The butterflies have launched full scale and that makes me have to pee so I get up and take care of that business and I think I feel a little better actually. The hum of the AC unit is peaceful and soothing and the cool air blows fresh on my skin and I think I will try to lay down for a little longer and so I do... and I fall asleep again.

I wake up when hubs kisses me goodbye and I stretch in the peace of the house - sleeping kids and the smell of coffee. And damned if those frickin' butterflies don't attack my belly again. I jump up and hit the shower and by the time I'm done I feel fine. I go about my day: dressed and made up and hair done and coffee in my cup and laundry going and dog out and computer on and I decide I should clean the bathrooms and my bedroom while I'm at it. And the kids are getting up and my friend brings her son by and I can again feel those belly butterflies knocking at my insides and my skin feels prickly and my eyes feel twitchy and I move quick from computer to laundry to vacuuming and dusting and keeping busy and changing the channels and getting more and more 'nervous' as the hours pass.

Nervous... like I'm about to go on stage. Like I'm about to stand up and deliver a speech. Like I'm about to do something I've never done before, or ride a rollercoaster, or have surgery or anything that would make your belly feel full of squirmy things and yet small and cold as steel at the same time. My throat feels slightly closed up like I'm about to cry but my eyes are dry. So is my mouth. I can't quite sit still, but yet I can't quite do anything productive either. I am avoiding a pile of papers on the island and that makes me more anxious but yet each time I've made up my mind to Just Do It Already it makes me start to shake so I keep walking away from it. I try to eat because that might soothe my tummy or at least satisfy me in some way and it does for a moment - for that one moment that I am chewing and tasting and swallowing everything feels normal. So I do that a lot... and then I feel sick because there is not much room in my belly with all those damn butterflies.

It goes on and on all day. Every once in a while I get sidetracked enough but it always comes back. So I wait and wait to take my little pink happy pills because they make me sleepy and I can't be sleepy AND be a mom. When hubs comes home the anxiety subsides a little and I can relax a little and sometimes I will take my little pill then, sometimes a glass of wine helps, but I can't do wine until hubs is home either so everyday is just full of butterflies and tense muscles and fisted hands.

Thats how I feel and I've had enough of it already! I just want it to stop...

Tonight I am going out to dinner with a friend. I will eat and talk and maybe have a glass of wine with dinner and maybe the butterflies will sleep for awhile. I will pretend to be normal. Tomorrow's another day, and maybe they will sleep tomorrow also... who knows. That's the fun part of GAD, never really knowing when or why or how it will happen. Wheee!