Tonight my husband read this book to our kids. I didn't really listen as I was working on making lunches and drinking wine - you know, the important things - but later on I sat and read through the book. It was totally lovely! I can't say what I liked more; the book, or the thought of my big bear husband reading it to our littlest ones. *insert happy contented sigh and wipe away a tender tear...
In other news...
Today I made the decision to turn down an offer of money. Uh, sometimes known as a job. Yep. Thats right, I turned down a job. A job, I should mention, that I need, that I wanted, and that I would be perfect for. Ok, go back and read the last 5 words of that last sentence... "i. would. be. perfect. for." Can you see where the error lies? See, I would be the perfect person for 'that job', but 'that job' is not the perfect job for me. I can't even explain all the emotions involved in turning down an job. I need the income - my family and I need the income. I would most likely love the job. It's work I've done before. How could I actually turn down an opportunity like this? I'll give you three reasons why this job won't work: Chick, Buddy, and Bear.
Ok. I'll admit, I've been a bit spoiled. I have not worked much since I've had kids. I spent plenty of time whining about the last job I had which was a whopping 24 hours a week of very very flexible and accomodating hours. But still - the whole working mom thing was way beyond me. I'd only ever worked MY hours at MY convenience at MY whim doing doula work and to be committed to 24 hours a week of real live office and paperwork job was pretty daunting. I mean, when could I find time to scrub the toilets AND blog in addition to work? But seriously, that 24 hours was a blessing and a joy as well as a trial. I know I need to work now that we've done this whole cross country move thing twice in less than 2 years... but the job I turned down was a solid no frills no flexibility 40 hours a week. My husband said, " uh... hmmm. I have some serious reservations..." God, bless that man doubly okay? I would have taken the job out of guilt and a sense of responsibility. I would have committed my children to the care of strangers and been willing to increase my Xanax consumption... but my husband (fortunately!!!!) is far more rational! So... I turned down a job. This has only happened one other time. I was a single mom and the job paid something like $5.25 an hour for 20 hours a week. Daycare was a whopping $125 a week... uh... wait... even I could figure out that it was a wash! The unemployement office raked me over the coals but eventually I found other work. See, I will work, I want to work, I'm willing to do what it takes - but I don't do "stupid" either. So, today I turned down a job. It still sounds bad no matter how I justify it.
Chick seems to be healing from her heartbreak. I don't know if I am though. I never thought I'd be so emotionally touched by what happens to my kids. I'm only now getting an inkling of what my mom must have felt as I entered and tackled my teen age years. God, I wish she had of lived long enough to walk me through all this turmoil of raising my own teen. I miss my mom. Monday was the anniversary of her death: 12 years since she died. I wanted to say 12 years since she left me... but it's not true. She didn't choose to leave me, she was taken from me and it's not her fault. Boy, I miss her. Tomorrow marks the one year anniversay of my uncles death - her little brother. My grandmother has buried 2 of her children. I hope I never have to experience that.
I spent time yesterday with my good friend Kim whose daughter died a year and a half ago. Meggie was 3 and was killed when a dresser fell on top of her. As Kim sat on my couch sipping tea and chatting while intermittently attending to her son, Meggie's twin brother, I could only think with every heartbeat about how hard every single day must be for this momma whose little girl was living in heaven now. It was hard to even have a conversation for all the thoughts of Meggie whirling in my brain. I cannot, absolutely cannot, even remotely imagine what Kim's life must be like on a daily basis of remembering her baby and raising up the single twin left behind.
Oh that is a sad note to end on, but end it I must.
With a multitude of leftover feelings and barely understood emotions about turning down work and raising a teenager and missing my mom and being grateful for not having lost a child... I'm going now to curl up in the safe haven of my husbands arms and the peace of my bed.
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5 comments:
I have to say I feel your turmoil over taking the job. I haven't worked full time in 7 years and work part time only during my kids school hours. A couple of times over the years my husband has hinted about me going back to work full time, but I argue the daycare costs, etc. Well, my 9 yr old has ADD and it has been a challenge. But, as soon as I get off of work, I pick him up from school and sit with him everyday with no TV, radio, computers, etc while he does it with my sitting next to him. He's really had some difficulty with it from 1st-3rd grade and it's hard on me because I'm the one who has to deal with it everyday. But finally, this year in the 4th grade, he made honor roll and without ever taking medication. My husband told me the other night that he now knows that there is no way my son would have done this had he not had me here every single day to help him. He said if he were in afterschool care everyday, he wouldn't be doing as good as he is. I even overheard him on the phone with his mom telling him how he gives all the credit to me. So, in the long run, its been SO worth it. I'm with ya' girlfriend!
Sounds like not taking that job is the right thing to do. Good for you for recognizing it.
I can't imagine how your friend is handling the death of her daughter.
Good for you for turning down that job. You need to do what is best for you. The right job will come around. I turned down a job when I found out I was pregnant with #1 Son. I told them that I didn't think it would be fair to them to accept the job knowing I was not going to return to work when he was born. They were surprised...
LBC
That was a sad note to end on, D. The scariest thoughts I have involve loss of a child.
I love your new blog look! I want a new look too, and as soon as I have the funds raised, I will go visit Nello design, she did great! Plus, sheesh, some of the other blog design places out there have gotten outrageously priced. Yowza.
On the job decision, you did good. My job has been burning me out lately, so I posted my resume on monster.com. What I have come to realize is that, jobs out there are plentiful. But not jobs with the flexibility to work when and where I want to. Like you, I've grown accustomed to working my job around my family, not the other way around. Keep looking... you'll find the right job for you.
I recently had a job I was concidering that, like you said, I was perfect for. It wasn't so perfect for me, though, and I understand a little what you are saying.
I must say though, being a stay-at-home mom is the best thing in the world!!! :-D I'm not there yet, but my mom was always there for me, and I can't imagine life without that. :-)
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