Tonight my 7 year old Bear starred as a BonBon running from underneath Mother Ginger's skirts in a 20 second time slot at the very end of a very small local production of The Nutcracker. She was one of ten little girls who were supposed to be little bits of confection but looked more like a cross between a daisy and a duck. They ran out, one at a time, from under the hugely hoop skirted "Mother Ginger" (who? I dunno...) posed, and then once they were all complete, did a little leap hop arm fling bow and then one at a time ran back under MG's skirt.
Adorable... yes... totally. Not quite as cute as the 4 year olds dressed as elves who sort of rambled around the stage until the elf-manager whisked them off after the music faded, but cute nonetheless (all one word or 3 separate? anyone?)
But worthy of a bouquet of roses like the tall, lithe, 16 year old snowqueen who waltzed amazingly on her toes for a full 3 minutes? Nope. Not in my opinion. She got a hug, a kiss, a high five and a "good job!".
Other little girls got roses. My bear asked why she didn't get any. Gulp. I told her that I thought little girls shouldn't get roses but that if she kept dancing, when she was a big girl I would buy her lots of roses. She seemed fine with that, but I wondered if I'd damaged her self esteem somehow. Not that her self esteem seems in any imminent danger, but I don't want to be responsible for her turning to drugs and sex because of a lack of roses.
So the discussion is: do we reward all effort? Or just... what? Perfection? My son has played 6 years of soccer. Every year he gets a trophy. So does every kid on the team. When he played baseball he got a medal every year. Just like every other kid. What message is it that we are sending these kids? If you try anything at all, we will give you a trophy whether or not you tried hard, did well, attended every practice/game or won. If you are seven years old and dance for 20 seconds, you should get the same token as a 16 year old who solo'd. What message do we send the 16 year old? That she's no better than a 7 year old beginner?
I want my kids to feel good about themselves. I want them to feel challenged, and to feel empowered when they accomplish something. I want them to want to succeed. I want them to reach, strive, and to work hard to get where they want to go. I want them to have roses and trophies... but only those that they earn.
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3 comments:
Sadly these days we have to reward them in hopes of keeping them involved in activities.
The kids who do nothing extracurricular are the ones who end up in trouble.
I did give my daughter roses after her recital. More for her effort than anything else. Also, because stuff like that was more of an irritation to my mom than a delight. She probably won't dance many more years, she's just not good at it. Poor kid, her two parents combine for 4 left feet, she never had a chance.
I've never thought that everyone should get a prize, "Best So & So" or somethign like that, so while I didn't agree with your example, I agree with your point. (Which is more important.)
I did give my daughter roses after her recital. More for her effort than anything else. Also, because stuff like that was more of an irritation to my mom than a delight. She probably won't dance many more years, she's just not good at it. Poor kid, her two parents combine for 4 left feet, she never had a chance.
I've never thought that everyone should get a prize, "Best So & So" or somethign like that, so while I didn't agree with your example, I agree with your point. (Which is more important.)
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