I've come unbalanced.
If you've read much here, you may wonder why the title "straddling the line" but you are about to figure it out. See, most days I can straddle that line between normalcy and relative mental stability. I get a little help... my xanax, my rum, my husband... but then something will trigger and I will spiral deeply down into that weird place that makes me wonder if I am really O.K. or not. Today? Not.
It started with the thing with my dad. So now I am all about, "whats wrong with me?" and "why don't people like me?" and "why can't my life be normal like everyone else's?" and "why can't I get it right?" and "why do I always screw it up?" and I'm just twisting every thought in my head into a negative and totally unbalanced process. I even get all weird like, "how come everyone else knows what to do but me?" "they are all thinking I'm stupid!" "they are looking at me and thinking that I'm a clueless idiot" (this was my first time taking my son to a wrestling tournament and yes, I actually WAS a clueless idiot but the truth is, so were most of the other moms and tho' I KNOW this, I still felt totally worthless). It makes me cranky and irritable and tearful. I can't stop thinking about all the things I've screwed up in the past and how I'll never be able to get it right. Very dramatic and black and white thinking. See, I can be my own shrink too!
Last night I caught the last 2 minutes of a segment in the middle of a show called 3 Wishes. I don't even know the story line, just that some lady was talking on the phone to her mom with the help of a hearing aid. I started sobbing totally ridiculously! Yep, unbalanced. Off the line, off the deep end, little looney.
A whole part of me is so rational and clear about this. People make their own choices, don't let other people affect your feelings, you are a good person, your kids and husband love you, you have some great friends, you are VERY normal...yadda yadda yadda... The other part of me needs significant mental help. I've fallen off that fine line separating normal and abnormal. It may take me awhile to crawl up from the depths and get back on that line and begin walking again. In the meantime, if my posts get a little odd? Well, send me pictures of laughing cats cuz it really does work :) (you know who you are!)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I just came over from your comment at my blog, and read your whole blog, first to most recent. (Didn't comment on the letter, because I felt like I was intruding.) I feel like I know you. (There's a whole continent between us, don't worry.)
The blogging gets easier, you can put out an entry saying "how do I do this" and people will help.
Post a Comment